I’m Not Where I Want To Be

Geographically, that is.

I never planned to return to Dallas post-grad. I never planned to stay in Dallas for over a year once I moved back. I never planned this.

I planned to live in Nashville, New York, or some other thriving city. I planned to move far, far away from the troubles I experienced in Texas.

I planned to leave the version of little, old me I had become, in an attempt to become a little, old me I always dreamt of being.

But here I am.

Here I am, in Dallas, TX. Here I am, living north of 635 (even though I’d prefer to be an Uptown Girl — hey @Billy Joel). Here I am, with a cat in my household.

I didn’t plan any of this.

Though I don’t geographically want to be here, I like to be here in many other areas:

  1. Emotionally- thanks to a lot of Jesus and a little therapy, I am at a place where I recognize and accept my feelings. Before Dallas, I simply didn’t address or cope with them. It was madly unhealthy.
  2. Physically- I am at a place where I workout more days than I don’t, and boy does it.feel.good.
  3. Mentally- I’ve battled some dips here and there, but there are more better days than worse, and that’s such a good place to be.
  4. Spiritually- Jesus Man is just throwing me happy, little curveballs left and right — and I LOVE them!

“Here am I, send me.”

It’s hard to say and even harder to apply. But when I feel bold and empowered and remember all that Jesus Man has done for me, I declare it.

“Hello, God. It’s me. Your daughter. Here I am! I’m Yours!” It’s a moment of vulnerability, me shouting out my availability. It’s a moment when I’m inarticulate, my lack of eloquence only highlights my uncertainty.

“Andiamo! Let’s go! Let’s do things! Let’s make Your Name known!” It’s a moment of excitement, where will He lead me? It’s a moment of slight panic, what exactly did I just sign up for?

I’m on day 608 of living in Dallas. Day 608 of saying yes to Jesus and no to wandering. Day 608 of letting myself settle in a place where I refuse to settle down.

It’s usually hard and not much fun, but it’s worth it. I may not be where I want to be, but here I am. Send me.

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